Going out. Or not.

We tried to go to dinner at Red Robin's because it was a nice day and Grace had a good day at home. Tried. 

She seemed fine when we sat down- there were ceiling fans. She ate, with a few noises so I put on her headset because it is loud there. 

After she was done eating, she started to gretz. She pointed to the balloons so we got her one. She proceeded to let it go. I started to take her out and a waitress asked if she wanted another and got her another. Then she tried to let that one go but I blocked her and that ticked her off. She cried so loud I had no choice but to take her out. She cried outside when I sat down to wait for Chris and Joy. I have her all her props and nothing worked so I let her cry. I thought a cop was going to come she was crying so loud. No tears.

Finally Chris and Joy came out. We walked back to the car in silence. 

All this after insurance denied her all the ABA coverage she needs because she is doing "so well." 

We wasted $50 on dinner no one enjoyed. Chris and I were mad in the car on the way home, and a revelation happened when we got home. Joy took it upon herself to be the one to get Grace  out of the car. Big sister steps in to help m. It was awesome. (This⬇is Joy, btw- her OC ( Original Character for the uninitiated Brony)

I am still mad. Am I mad at her? At God? At the universe? How the hell am I mad at a 5 year old autistic child?  I find this maddening after my midnight guilt trip last nite. 

I can understand how some people would decide not to take their autistic children out. People staring. Eyes boring into the back of your head. 

Some days I can handle it. Some days... Not so much.