I have so many thoughts that have been rolling around my head. It has been three weeks tonight since we took Grace to Foundations Behavioral Health Center in Doylestown. 3 weeks.
I feel like I am missing a limb. She and I had been together 24/7 since we had to take her out of school in January for safety purposes. Now she isn’t allowed even her favorite stuffed bird to give her comfort. She can’t have her favorite puppy shirt or any thing other than a touch and feel book with parakeets that she loves.
We go to visit her every other day. It’s been hard getting a lot of information regarding her stay. We don’t know how long she will be there. We hope to find out something tomorrow but it will be August and we still don’t know how or if progress is being made.
I did not want her to go there. But we seemed to have no other path to follow- we had tried EVERYTHING.
The hardest thing is not knowing how she is feeling. What is she thinking? Does she think we left her there? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
It’s a very lonely road. It’s lonely without her but it’s also lonely because people don’t really understand. I don’t think it’s something people can imagine therefore it’s hard to comprehend the depth of these feelings.
If someone had told me 10 years ago I would be in this situation I would never have believed them.
I have been exploring faith and seem to be falling short on my end. I am having a great deal of difficulty letting go of the Guilt. One a catholic, always drowning in guilt.
Nothing works. My only comfort comes in drowning myself in books. Books i couldn’t read because i was too tired from sparring with Grace all day. Movies don’t even enlighten me. I keep wondering where she is. Why isn’t she here with me?
I’ve never met another parent in this situation. Maybe that would help. To know that we are not alone.
This is just part of my feelings. Many times I have written angry posts but have been to afraid to post them. Many times I’m overwhelmed by sadness. Right now I’m mostly empty.
I miss her so, so much.
